GREAT Expectations

"Sweep my off my feet!" says she,

"I dream of racing moonbeams,
of sailing along a silent sea,
of drinking from coconuts b'neath a palm tree;
with you, and only you,
holding my hand,
stroking my hair,
taking in the tropical air.

"I see us running
laughing,
playing,
making sweeter love than birds and bees;
I see us getting lost in cobbled streets
of our love in Paris.

"Why do you not reach beyond the stars,
Past the present to never ending bliss?
Why can't you care for me
more than a dove cares for its mate?
Why aren't you more passionate
than a wolf as he romances the moon?
O, why don't you love me
like Romeo loved Juliet?"

"I'm sorry, " says he,
his eyes sparkling in emerald green
"But I think your patriarchal notions of what should be
are ridiculously obscene."

Poor Me

Feel sorry for us Albertans.

While we’re dealing with piles of snow

Complaining about how it just won’t go,

You sit there with sandals on your feet

Begging for change on the side of the road.

And while we battle the cold and the sleet,

Freezing off our baby toes,

You beat the heat

Barbequing scraps of meat

In a cardboard house.

“Poor me!” We cry

Towards the sky

As fluffy stuff flies by

Not thinking of you,

Who can’t choose

Between red or blue shoes,

And can’t get in to see an MD

For an useless knee

Infected with gangrene.

Because brushing off our cars is so hard.

To Bob Barker

I heard on the radio this morning that Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right and animal rights activist, has been saying the the Calgary Stampede promotes cruelty to animals; to which I can only reply:

GET A LIFE!

Barker put Alberta on the map, when he protested the Edmonton Zoo for keeping Lucy, an old elephant, rather than sending her to a more natural habitat.
1. Lucy is freaking old. She will probably not make the trip AND
2. Even if she does, she will have lost everything and everyone that she knows in addition to not knowing how to live in such a different environment.
3. The cost of transporting a really old elephant that may die enroute anyways is ridiculous. (Also, from what I hear, the Edmonton Zoo will not be acquiring any more animals non-native to the praries. Hopefully.)

Now, Barker is sticking his nose in to Alberta once again, claiming that a 100-year-old festival is cruel towards animals. Again, let's be honest; perhaps the Stampede is not the best form of loving our furry friends, but think about this:

Barker could be protesting the way humans farm animals; in order to produce more, fattier meats, humans have essentially eliminated any grazing or open areas in the farms that produce chickens for large processors. They're locked in cages or small pens, in completely un-hygienic conditions which enable the spread of disease rapidly.
Barker could be promoting healthier farming, supporting small, independent farmers who still allow their cattle to graze, their chickens to run free, etc. But he's not.

Barker is picking on one of the smallest issues this world has. By choosing this course of action, Barker is drawing attention away from REAL suffering of animals at the hands of humans. People knock hunting, saying it's harsh and cold-blooded. What is more cold blooded than penning animals up so you  can have a fatty steak at the end of your hard day behind a desk?

Barker wants to be an animal rights activist does he? I think he should go back to when animals were first domesticated; that was when cruelty REALLY began.

Slightly off topic, INCREDIBLY ridiculous

Imagine that you live in a place where you find the occasional spider meandering through, doing its daily (or nightly) routine; that you invite your best friend over to watch a favourite childhood movie and catch up; that she finds a large (not really) spider in your bathroom. Imagine you're both terrified of spiders.

Imagine you take an old plastic container and trap the spider; you shove the container into a corner so your friend can go to the bathroom and feel secure that the spider will not crawl on her; you both decide to put it out of your minds and begin the movie.

Imagine the movie ends and you've both got one thing on your mind: the GIANT spider; you start talking in hopes that the spider will die in its plastic tomb before you even think about getting up to check. Imagine it's still alive.

Imagine you decide to arm yourself with a rolled up newspaper and a spray bottle full of rubbing alcohol; you get into your shower (in order to protect yourself from said creepy-crawly) and crouch down, ready to strike when you lift the container. Imagine you're too frightened to lift the container.

Imagine your friend offers to crouch on the toilet and hold the spray bottle in case the spider manages to dodge your lethal newspaper blows; you stay there for at least two minutes trying to muster up the courage to remove the plastic container; you count 3... 2... 1!

BAM! spritz spritz BAM! BAM!


Amy and Friend: 1                Spidey: 0